I’ve mentioned it on FaceBook that I am speaking next week. I have taught many many classes over the last 30 years. I could probably say in the hundreds. But there is something different in giving a talk or a speech. I have done it, but it really stresses me out, and previously a few times I have literally shook through the whole speech. But, only when I have script, when I have things that I need to make sure I mention. When I free talk or teach I have no anxiety at all.
Next week I am talking in front of a relatively small group (20-40), and yet knowing there are points I want to touch on, and a particular order that the story needs to be told in to have the correct flow has got me quite anxious. I am still going to do it, but it is wayyyyyy out of my comfort zone.
As I am writing this I am listening to videos on the Path to Freedom, letting go of perfectionism. And I think my anxiety comes not from doing it right for others, the group is very positive and supportive. But, I am stressing over my own ‘need’ to get it perfect. I need to get it right, almost to prove something to myself.
I am speaking on overcoming self sabotage and I have worked very hard to do so. I have really leaned into the self awareness, knowing and understanding my value, and being true to myself above all else.
It has been a hard road, where I have had many starts and stops, many failed businesses, many failed relationships. When I say failed, what I really mean is that they were a stepping stone to get me to where I am now. They were what I had manifested in my life thinking I was not good enough or that I had no value. That I didn’t deserve to have everything that I wanted.
I was talking to my therapist once many years ago and I said I thought my self esteem was very low. He said no, not at all. That I had high self esteem, but I had low self value. I really had to sit with that and what that meant. What is the difference? For me the difference was that I knew I was capable, I knew I was strong, and smart and as much as I had been through I had a lot to offer. But, what I didn’t know was that I deserved it. I felt that I didn’t deserve to be happy, to have a partner who was an equal and supported and loved me, to have a successful business, to have money and travel and everything I had wanted.
I’m still working on some of these things, but what I know now is that I deserve them and I will get them. I have a wonderful, loving, supportive, equal partner. I have a beautiful home and a job that doesn’t stress me out, but allows me the freedom I need to build my own dreams. I have the start of an amazing business and plans to take it far. I have value.
For me being creative is a big part of finding my way, I have a need to create. When I am creating I am able to process so much more and be able to really look deep into myself.
Have an Amazingly Creative Day!